PRATICE EXAM 2/ REVISION

I was asked to write an essay," revising the essay, "What I'm good at," written by an 18 year old young man, with an Asian back ground.  After reading the essay, the writer's thesis statement was clear.  He obviously thought very highly of himself.  Overall the writer's voice was clear, but got lost in rhetoric, bad grammar and the use of slang words through out.


I'd like to begin on a positive note.  The writer's clear thesis statement, as well as, positive regard for himself were the two strengths of this essay.  The many concerns globally, and locally is what the basis of my revision essay will focus on.


There were global flaws in this essay, specifically the use of rhetoric, which caused the essay to appear unorganized.  The writer talked on and on about himself, saying basically the same things.  His sentences ran on, starting with the very first line, which caused his confusion in topics, "I've discovered that I'm good at partying, spending $$ on Fashion, Clubbing, and enjoying delicious food," (1).


Bad grammar was a common theme in the entire essay.  His use of capitol letters incorrectly in sentences, and symbols for words made the essay sound as though a child had written it.  For example, his use of $$, "Spending $$ on Fashion," (1).  The continued misuse of commas, or maybe the overuse made the essay difficult to follow.


The writer's vocabulary was limited, and substituted for with the use of slang, "each time I carry at least 2G's on me," (2).  His use of slang limited the audience he would be able to reach.  Anyone outside of his peer group would show very little interest in anything he had to say, because they wouldn't be able to understand him.


My advice to the writer of this essay, would be to scrap the entire essay.  Start over by first taking basic English classes, in which he'll learn proper use of grammar, and vocabulary.  He should then enroll in English composition, where he'll learn  to take basic grammar and his new vocabulary, to compose well written essays.