Sunday, September 7, 2014
PRATICE EXAM 1/REVISION
After reading the letter written by outraged students regarding their college considering mandatory community service hours as a graduation requirement, I have several concerns in the form of an critique. The concerns are from a both global and local perspective.
In the letter the students are very clear regarding their opposition to mandatory community service.
This is the one and only strength I can find in the letter. The poor organization/structure in which the student chose to write the letter in my opinion down played their position making the letter almost
laughable to the recipient. The lack of logical transitioning between paragraphs read as though the writer was ranting rather than expressing. There is no evidence presented as it relates to any compromise on the students part. No mention of research stating pros/cons to community service.
The letter appears reactive not well thought out, without any background or history regarding the topic.
The letters conclusion restates the fact that the students are against a community service requirement in the very same language as the introduction. There is no mention of being open to discussion of matter with administration and the letter is signed "outraged students". This gives the impression of an unwillingness for further discussion.
The limited vocabulary, lack of sentence variety, as well as, run on/fragmented sentences made the letter read as though it was written by someone with very little intelligence which in my opinion diminished the students voice. Spelling, grammar and punctuation errors strongly interfered with the
validity of the students position.
So that the point doesn't get lost with rhetoric, my advice would be for the writer to re-approach the writing process to make their position known along with the reasons why. Present evidence to support their position using intelligent, correctly spelled words with correct grammar. I would suggest that the writer closed the letter with the understanding that the students are open to discussing the matter with administration.
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For this essay, there are a few basic critiques I can give you. First off, your thesis statement assumes your audience knows the definition of local and global. You need to tie that element in as you go along. For instance, you can your first topic sentence could instead state: “there were global flaws in this essay specifically in regards to their organization and structure.” That way, the reader knows what global flaws are, and what you are referring to specifically.
ReplyDeleteI do appreciate how you build your logic from the organization/structure into the logic and rhetoric. It builds a stronger argument as go proceed. Also, if you provide specific quotes, you can better clarify the reasoning for your thoughts. You do so briefly, when you mentioned the opinion on “outraged students,” however, if you build upon this technique, you will add clarity and support.